Managing Conflict:
Tips for handling difficult relationships

� 2007 By Anna Forsyth
All Rights Reserved. Printed with Permission

Navigating relationships can be one of the hardest parts of life, especially when you are a student living outside of home and particularly when conflict arises.

Not everyone comes from a family background where conflict was dealt with in a healthy and open way. Every family has their own mix of personalities and their own patterns of relating in conflict situations.

Taking a few minutes to think about how you respond and communicate to people, could save you a lot of heartache in the future, and equip you to deal with conflict when it arises.

You might already be aware of some of your behaviors when it comes to dealing with difficult people or situations. Any knowledge of the strategies you use can help.

Take a minute to answer the following questions and think about the statements under each one:

• When was the last conflict you had with someone?

If you can�t remember, is there a chance that you are compromising to keep the peace, or you are worried about what people will think if you make choices that they might not agree with?

If this is true of you, it might pay to look into ways of asserting yourself and setting boundaries to overcome the fear of conflict that might be at the root of it.

Having peace with everyone is not the best goal if it means sacrificing what is important to you. Is it really worth failing a paper because you spent too much time helping someone else with their assignment because they were pressuring you?

• Can you remember how it started?

If not, this is an indication that somewhere along the way, the argument has escalated beyond the level of the original problem.

If this is the case, you may need to try focusing on the original issue when it comes up, and saving other grievances for later. It is easy to bring up a whole raft of sins in the heat of the moment and throw more fuel onto a fire.

If you need to take time out when you are in an argument, don�t be afraid to do it. It may give you the perspective you need to deal with the root issue and help you to reach a compromise without your emotions clouding your judgment.

• Have you had several conflicts with the same person/people?

It is important to surround yourself with people who respect your boundaries and who are willing to listen to your point of view. We don�t always have to stick to friends who share our views, but there has to be a baseline of respect for relationships to function.

Maybe it is time for a friendship stock take? Are any of your relationships destructive or draining? Try limiting your time with these people, or changing the way that you relate to them. Be consistent with your boundaries and make it clear what the consequences will be if they continue to overstep them. Follow through with your promises so that they know that you mean business.

• How did the situation pan out?

Was it a win/win outcome? If not, who came out on top? It may be that there are power and control issues in the relationship that are getting in the way of coming to an amicable solution that works for both parties.

The goal should be to find a solution that works for both parties, and if this can�t be done, to part ways or agree to disagree, not for one person to dominate and control the other.

These questions will help you develop awareness and think about how you could resolve things faster: * Are you being too inflexible in your thinking?

• Is it possible that you might be wrong?
• Why are you holding onto your position so strongly? Is there any way you could relax your stance?
• Is there a better way to state your case, without attacking the other person or getting defensive?
• Are you truly listening to the other person, or are you eager to make them agree with your point of view?
• Does the other person really get it? Is it possible they have misunderstood you?
• Are you willing to apologize if you are wrong?
• How is your body language? Are you keeping it consistent with what you want to say?

During Conflict � defusing tricky situations

Here are some pointers to help you when the heat is on.

• Stay calm and remember to breathe. Many mistakes have been made by reacting to emotions instead of responding calmly.
• Take time to stop and listen to what the person is trying to say to you.
• Keep your hands by your sides and don�t cross your arms, as this only puts a barrier up.
• Look the person in the eye confidently and speak slowly, with a quiet voice. If you are shouting, the other person is going to feel attacked. I read somewhere that a gentle answer turns away wrath.
• Don�t put off bringing up relevant points. Don�t leave it festering for later. Deal with it as it arises.

If worst comes to worst:

• Move out or ask the other person to move out.
• End the relationship.
• Change your numbers/address/name.
• Find a therapist/counselor
• Get a transfer

If someone is consistently pushing your boundaries in any way, whether it is physically, emotionally or sexually and they won�t take no for an answer, this is harassment, or worse. It is not alright. You don�t have to accept this, and it is not your fault. Seek counsel straight away if this applies to you.

*****

Anna-Kaye Forsyth is a freelance writer for education, and a content developer for interactive whiteboard company Smart Board in New Zealand. She holds a Batchelor of Music Education from the University of Auckland. Anna is the author of 3 compilations of thinking hats lesson plans for teachers, which are due for release soon through Curriculum Concepts. Currently, Anna is working freelance to support herself as she pursues a career as a singer/songwriter.

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